There has been a change in me. And though it feels like it's alright, it's all wrong.
I --
I wanted him to fuck me. I wanted him inside me so bad it ached. I wanted him to praise me. I wanted him to tell me I was a good boy. I wanted him to grab my hair and be as dominant as it got. I wanted him to touch my skin in the most careless, sinful way.
It's all wrong.
I'm not like that. I'm not like that. I'm really not like that...
+
It was always so difficult being around people. Even when I was little, I was scared of people. Adults scared me since my parents never took care of me - they would let people be mean to me as if I deserved it. So I just figured all adults were like that.
I was obliged to grow up too quickly. So I sticked by the things that made me a child - I'd watch cartoons and draw, I'd pretend I was The Little Prince, I would imagine scenarios in my head were my parents loved me and I had a lot of friends. But then, my parents would tell me I was selfish and childish and beat the crap out of me.
So when I turned 11 I became another person. I was extroverted and sensitive, as adorable and caring as I could, I would use cartoon tshirts and be noisy. I would jump to my friends' arms. But I was sadder than ever. And while I told all my friends to be fine, while I did everything I could to make others smile, I slit my wrists and cried myself to sleep every night. I wouldn't eat at all for days...
And I got hurt a lot, too. I never replied to my father's sayings and just hide whenever he punched me (so I stopped going home for the holidays). I fell in love and got heartbroken. Friends betrayed me. So little by little I stopped letting people in.
Maybe some people cared - they just looked through all my bullshit. Some people tried to get me to eat and some took care of my cuts, some tried to stop me from purging. It was dense shit, and even then, I made them leave. I figured people couldn't hurt me if I didn't let them in. So they didn't.
I didn't let Max in - that'd be a lie. Anyone who dared to say that would be plain wrong. Yes, he knew me, but he didn't knew my past. I didn't got past that point because we only met for a year. I haven't let people in since I was 13.
But still, it seems like this one man is trying to take my walls down in any way he can and it's tearing me to pieces. Something inside of me wants to run away.
I won't tell you I like you in a week - if you were lucky, I would've told you in 6 months. And I won't tell you I love you in years, maybe. That's who I am, it's the only way I know to stand past this bullshit. I won't let you take care of me just because you want me. And I won't let you fuck me because you're in love with me. I won't be with you just 'cause you want it, when you want it. I will be with you when I want to. And I really wish he'd understand that if I wanted to be with Max, I'd actually be with him right now. He underestimates me so much it's driving me fucking crazy - I can tell he's angry at me from miles away, because he thinks I want to be with my university sweetheart. Jesus on a fucking stick, yes, if I wanted Max, I would've fucked him and he would be the one I'd be banging in the first place.
This is not a fairytale and my terror to strangers will always be there. I won't get to know a person in two months nor in one year. And the fact that I use spongebob tshirts doesn't mean I'm a child for you to protect just because you want to - truth is, I'm the one who chooses who gets to take care of me. I'm a selfish fucking asshole and that's the truth. I'm not as adorable and needy as I look, I'm sharp and have a strong temper. And this duality that lives within me - this steppenwolf and this child tear me apart.
I don't know why I like him. I don't know why I want him and sometimes I want to run away from him. I don't know why I wanted him to defile me so fucking bad.
I just...
Nevermind. I just needed to get it out of my system...
I definitely have a teens' emotional stability, though.
